51

AW FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS AND THE CAB TODAY :D AHHHH BYE.

50

i can't remember anything that happened today. BUT, tomorrow i'm seeing forever the sickest kids and the cab! and more but i care the most about those two. i love them a lot :D yayyyy. [karina you're going to be crying! :D] that's all i need to say. goodbye.

i'm here for you, and always have been. you know that so i don't understand why this time is different. whenever you feel like talking, try and let me know?

49

haven't written for a little while, this isn't really on my mind much. idk what happened in between but last night was weird. i had a really good day at school, and i came home all happy. then later, i'm just doing homework and whatnot and it seriously felt like something hit me and made me notice everything going on and i don't know what the hell it was. i got all upset and shit but didn't know why? this makes no sense. so basically, i spent the night thinking. of what? i couldn't tell you because i don't even know.

thank you all for reminding me how terrible i'm doing in school. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. fucking retards. i'm pretty sure i know, and i'm trying to change that. but with your constant nagging all the time, you're stressing me out so much more than i already am. i don't fucking need that. keep it to yourself.

i really don't want to say this but i'm starting to miss you more then i ever thought i would.

48

you don't understand this, what happens. you never will because you're not me. you don't know how i think and you won't. i won't let you. but that's also my problem. i think too much, about everything. then find the bad in it, but never concentrate on the good. i need to get over this. i don't know what to do with myself. i keep getting asked the same damn question. well you know what? maybe i am, maybe i fucking am. but who knows? clearly i don't. every thing's hitting me all at once. pick me up, pick me up.

what we want, the world can't offer.

47

today was just a very bad day. i'm in a really weird mood right now. i wake up and get a text saying someone in my school hung himself the night before. i think that was a wake up call to many, or at least should be. i've seen him in the halls multiple times, but never actually knew him. kid, you're in a better place. peaceful, quite, everything you'd rather have; you got it. rest in peace.

the music that's playing puts me in this... 'mood'. i don't know how to explain it. thank god my close friends and i think the same and act the same. we have no reason to ever fight, and our lives together, they just make sense. but other then them, i feel like everyone else is being such an asshole lately. and you, why can't you just be nice for once in your life? stop giving everyone attitudes because something happened that you'd forget by tomorrow. yeah, i care, but would you like me to hold your fucking hand? please, grow up. and why are you trying to steal something that means everything to someone aka your friend? i know you're aware of what you're doing, so stop. stop being the asshole here.

this school is driving me insane. i can't keep up with it, way too much shit to do. i am beyond stressed. i got back a bunch of failing grades today. how do you think i feel?..... like shit. i try, but no. it's not good enough.

listen, i know you need someone to talk to, it's obvious. we're both the same. i can tell when something is bothering you, you just need to speak up. we can all help you get through this. we're here for you, remember that.

"everything changed, so everyone changed."

you're forgiven.

46

listen, i don't know what to say to you but sorry. that's all i think would fit this situation. we didn't mean anything by this action. you know who we are, who we were. we're the same people no matter what, remember that.

i didn't go to school today (: but i went to school right when it was let out and went to caylin's. ahahahahahah (: and now i have to do a huge spanish project that was due today, but i didn't finish. HAHAHA BYE. (:

45

EXCEPT THE LAST POST vvvvvv DIDN'T HAPPEN. i had no idea this was going to happen. i just woke up thinking it'd be just another day. 4:34pm i get a missed call from kiddy, i call her back and she tells me to listen to my voicemail. so i do, and seriously DIE. i call her back and say i'll be there in 15 minutes. earlier, tor called her and told her to tell me that DANGER RADIO WAS NOW FREE. and kiddy didn't leave yet so i fucking went. holy shit. so i go to kiddy's house and we left to go to the city at 5:30, got to there at 6:30. tor was already on line in the front so we just went with her. once they letting people in we ran and got left side barricade. the first band single file played, they were actually good. once they were over.... my stomach was gone. i knew that andrew was coming. andrew is my favorite person, as you know. so i was basically dead. they played slow dance with a stranger, your kind, used and abused, broken man, things, alive for the first time, you all believe, kiss n' tell, and a little bit of toxic and wonderwall. absolutely amazing. but that wasn't even the best part. after they ended we all took pictures/talked with everyone except andrew because everyone was mobbing him so we didn't want to bother. THEN we saw a couple of people standing around their trailer. me and kiddy looked at each other and knew what was going to happen. it's exactly what i wanted. him playing acoustic. he sang my sweet carolina to a girl. then eric came over to from the scene aesthetic :'). it was everything i wanted. they played beauty in the breakdown, heavy lies the crown, love story, semi-charmed life, and the man i am. when they played the man i am i was DEAD. i wanted to hear it so badly but they never announced the name until then. so as they were playing the man i am, he made eye contact/sang/smiled to me and kiddy because we actually knew the words. seriously i couldn't of asked for more. then after their last song, i got him to sign my pathmark receipt because that was the only paper i had on me. him and eric both signed it and now it's taped to my mirror along with all my sentimental value things :). after that we talked to him and he recognized us because we were the ones singing along. i really cannot. my life was PERFECT last night. we started saying bye to everyone and giving them hugs and andy was like 'are you guys alone?!" and we're like "yeahhh..." and hes like "you better be careful! don't get killed okay? i'll kill you both if you die!" lololol. so cute. and right after that, we walked like 10 feet away and i started crying. then we went to the pizza place and ASHTON was on the tv. REALLY? my life is great. ahahha. danger radio, thank you so much. and friends, thanks for taking me, you know that meant SO to me. love you guys. nothing will EVER compare to this night. everything was unexpected, and perfect. i will never forget it.

because i've never been so sure of anything in my life. and i told you that i loved you once and i meant every word i said. and i will love you til the day that i am dead.

i took this on the way to the city. (:


eric on the left, andrew on the right. (: love you.

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FRIDAY. thank god. tonight will be fun. water. (: AND later tor and kiddy are seeing danger radio, idk why i'm not going but anyway, they're getting andrew to call me :D awwwwww. so excited. lalala. okay. goodbye.

43

i'm sorry we made you feel like that. but you always criticize what others do and say shit about what they like. no one does that to you, so have some respect for us. UGH. school -_- it kills me. i'm suppose to be doing my spanish project right now. rough draft: due tomorrow, whole thing: due monday. how am i going to do that? no idea. this whole weekend i'll be gone... (: except for sunday. and sunday will be the day i wake up and cry my eyes out because i have so much work to do. i'm saying it now. almost 12! fuck. i think i should start it now.... goodbye.

ps. i'm glad we had that talk. i feel like you want to know me better, even though i'm scared shit less to tell you what i'm about. i've known you my whole life and we're just starting to get to know each other. kind of weird. i'm always here for you. love you.

pss. last night i was thinking a lot. one day we die. that's it. it's over. how scary is that? you leave all your memories, friends, family, everything. what happens when you die? do you still think? can you watch over the people you love? do you find out things you never knew before? seriously, this topic gets me going for hours. i really don't understand death. i'm terrified of it too. and also this, what if tomorrow, you wake up and the person you loved/wanted to tell something to/best friend was dead. what the hell would you do? God, you are one crazy man. the way you made things just amuses me. "God works in mysterious ways, consider yourself warned"

[need that reason]

42

woke up mad at the world, the usual. today was just annoying, pointless, a waste of time. i'm so tired, i fell asleep in every class even if it was for 1 minute. ahhhhhhh i can't. so when i came home i was in an ashton kutcher mood. he seriously makes me so happy. he's my favorite, aside from andrew de torres. :D okay idek what mood i'm in right now. but i have a shitload of homework to do, plus a project so i think i should go.

ps. i'm glad you decided to talk to me about what's been going on in your life. i'm here for you, remember that.

kiddy wrote that (:

41

i want to scream. i'm in such a bad mood, maybe because i'm home and it's the last day of break. holy shit :'( it's been a good one though, not a waste of time at all. okay so i really can't take school. do you know what it's like to be put into one place and feel worthless/dumb for 8 hours of your day for 5 days of the week? i can't take it. waking up tomorrow is going to kill me. i seriously HATE school. i have to study for an essay i have to take tomorrow... FUN. i'll probably fail that too. i really am a positive person but when it comes to shit in school idk where my it goes. ah fuck it. i don't care. bye.

[9:56] i'm back. this whole blog thing is for me, i don't care what you think, say, nothing. i write here to help me, so fuck you. i'm so stressed right now. i keep getting reminded about college and shit and how i'm not doing that well in school. thanks, i'm aware... i see the grades before you do. i can't take it. i don't know what i have to do. i'm trying hard to do well but it won't fucking happen. i feel like i'm going nowhere in life and i'm only 15. 15 and have that feeling already? that can't be good. i just want to skip highschool and college and start my life there. i can't take this work, the people, anything. i hate it all. i don't even know. i have no reason to go to school. i can see my friends whenever i want so it's not like they're my reason. i really don't have one. everyday i feel like a peice of shit when i come home. i want something to look forward to, a reason to do something. all i want is a reason. one good reason. i know that if i do good in school it'll help me later on in life but i'm trying...... and it's not working out that well.

give me a reason

40

happy easter! (: aw it's such a nice day out. kiddy's coming over to eat later ahahah. uhhh okay thursday i don't remember but friday...... good friday. HAHA it really was a good friday. i hung out with kiddy tracy caylin and nik. the stories from that night are crazy. we left nik's house at 230 in the morning and walked back to caylin's and passed out. but before any of that was insane lmao. waterwaterwater! (: yesterday was kinda boring until around 7? me caylin and kiddy went to see the knowing. i want to see it again. i love movies like that. okay so now i have to get ready for today. and walk my dog because he's fat. okay goodbye! (:

39

herrooo. april 6th was a good day, not for me but for my friends. (: yesterday was pretty boring. last night was alright. i pierced 2 of my friends second holes for them. also i slept terribly so now my back and neck are killing. today was ..... idk? i did community service and the little kids were so qt. i love them. a little while ago i just realized i have a shitload of homework and projects to do. and it's going to be so hard for me to do because i'm even more lazy then i am on weekdays. hi stress! this spring break is pretty fun. i haven't slept home since last wednesday. one whole week. that's kinda gross...hahaha. oh well. i love my friends, not this house. friday should be fun. (: lalala time to do something productive with my life? okayyyys bye.

PS. i'm really happy for you! honestly. i gave up caring for myself so it means more to me for you to be loving your life. if i wait for something it won't happen so fuck it. but anyway, i wish you the best of luck with this!

38

IT'S SO GROSS OUT. i woke up at 8 from faye's house and then came home and went to the stores. then did nothing for hours. now tracy's hereeeeeeee. and we were messing around with our ears. i pierced my 4th (: and now we're gunna go to kiddy's. GOODBYE.

37

what have i done today........... nothing. i have no idea why i'm home right now. i want to go somewhere. it's GORGEOUS outside. i wish i could drive :( i have nothing to say. hopefully tonight is better. goodbyeeee.