72

yesterday was by far the funniest day this week, starting from when i woke up. LOL i really can't. life is great. best friends later? i hopeeeee! bye :D

oh hey. it's 1:23 am. okay so i picked kiddy up and went to tor's then to port jeff! we took the cutest pictures (: uhhhh i love my best friends, what can i say? :D okay it seriously feels like summer, i'm sitting on my bed with my laptop with headphones in, just chillinnn here. that's all i did when i came home from a long, exciting day. it was great. i just noticed i wasn't even here this summer, i was in greece. :D so yeah idek. but i love this weather. i hate school and need it to be over NOW.

i don't know what to do about you. i don't know how i feel. i don't know anything. but whatever happens, just don't leave, okay? (: byeeee!

71

so i've been thinking and i actually believe i'm happy. that seriously brings tears to my eyes just by typing that. might sound stupid but i know it's true. the past 6 months have been fucking hell. yeah, i've laughed and had good times but i haven't actually been happy. i seriously thought i was never going to get this feeling again. crying again, wow i'm pathetic. i don't think anyone understands what's going on right now. but i'll tell you that this is the greatest. all my problems seem like they've just being washed away. who knew that someone that's been there for years can just walk into your life and mean something so much more. you've made me laugh ridiculously, and gave me someone to talk to. :D i don't know. i'm keeping my mouth shut. i can't let this get fucked up.

and friends; i seriously love you guys. i really want to thank you for keeping a smile on my face. the past couple of weeks have been so much fun. you are truly the best. i love you all<3

70

you have no idea how tired i am. i fell asleep in almost every class. =/ oh wellsss. i have mad homework to do but i'll just end up bullshitting it, like always. oh yeah and i need a haircut DESPERATELY. it's so damn long i hate it. i don't know what else to say except that i think i'm a lot happier now. (:

"for goodness sake
i think i'm on the edge
of something new with you"

hi, it's 12:46 am right now. i don't know what this it but i think it's good. i don't think i should let this get to me but what else i'm suppose to do? i'm so happy now. who knew how much one person could impact you? aw! okays goodnight. :D

69

hi! (: i'm actually in a really good mood, and i have been since yesteday. nothing really to say today. i have a lotttt of work to do =/ but i don't think i'll mind doing it. not sure what this feeling is so i won't give it a name, i don't think anyone would understand.

"you don't do it on purpose but you make me shake"

the heart fell there, it looked cute, i took a picture. but i wish my camera didn't suck.

68

already in a bad mood. i don't want to be in this house, especially when more family is coming. they're just so obnoxious. last night, my necklace broke. i only found 4 pieces of it, but i'm still missing my 'forever' heart. =/ i hope i find it!
last night made me realize how dumb everyone is. why sit around and talk shit when it's just going to make everything worse? i'm glad i didn't open my mouth and say what i felt, i'd be fucked then. hahaaa oh life. CAN'T WE ALL GET ALONG? DOES ANYONE OTHER THEN ME SEE NO REASON FOR THIS?

"Hold your head high heavy heart
Save your strength for the morning after.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get."

67

does everyone always have to copy my friends and i? go find some new thing to do. stop following the crowd. okay anyway.... i'm dizzy as fuck. last night was another interesting saturday, but not as interesting as usual. i think it's only like that when we get caught or there's a fight or anything along those lines. whatever, i had a good time. i love my friends more than you'll ever know. later i'm going to kiddy's for mike's birthday with everyone, always a good time. (:

"everything is going our way
everything is just as we've planned
this is our future, from what we've heard
and i've still got your hand

and it feels like we could last forever
and i'm not doing this alone"

66

i hope today's plans work out =/

65

[btw, i got a 21/24 on my spanish speaking. FUCK YEA] okay really quick, i was reading through all my old things before. i don't know why i do it, it always makes me so upset. i miss some of these people. mostly only one but yeah. you get it.

so lately, i love the people i surround myself with.

and i'm glad everyone is happy, i really fucking am. seeing everyone else in great moods and constantly happy just makes me smile. i love you all <3

64

you're all immature assholes, easiest way i can put it (: yeah so, basically going to die tomorrow because i have to do my spanish speaking for my regents. holyyyy fuck. thank god i'm dropping it next year. that is the only class i'm ever scared to death to go to. i'm not even that bad at it, it just makes me so nervous. i don't even know man.

i'm glad everything was normal with you today. it seriously made me feel so much better. i missed you, and just being able to talk to you how i used to was so exciting. i love you and remember, i'm always here for you.

63

i am pissed as fuck. i'm starting to hate you more and more as the days go by. i'm sick of your wise-ass remarks. sick of your voice, your thoughts, your ways, anything about you. i'm just letting you know that one day i won't be able to take this anymore, and when that day comes around, you're in for a rude awakening.

and you, you're not giving me much of a choice here. i want to help you, but you're not letting me. you say you feel left out but when you're invited, you don't want to come? makes plenty of sense right? you want us to talk to you but when you isolate yourself with headphones in your ears, you give off that vibe that you want to be left alone. what am i suppose to do? we all care about you, and we see that you're upset. but this friendship isn't just mine, it's yours too. put some effort into this if it's bothering you that much.

"Broken in two from all these reverberating thoughts of you
I could have fallen apart at the sound of these voices
A million reasons to give in
And one more, making my head spin
Staring blankly ahead and never to the ground
But you know…I've got to mean more than this
Looking for a reason to smile
Just something to remind me this is all worthwhile…
Well I need to know
Why am I fighting
Why am I trying
Why am I praying for a better day
I want to know why you cry the way you do
And why you hide behind these lies
We all see through this, I want to help you"

school is slowly but surely driving me crazy. just the thought of the three regents and other finals i have to take makes me want to scream. i have to try, and i do, but it's not good enough. what do i do?

61

what am i doing with my life?

i HATE the future. it freaks me the fuck out. like seriously, what am i going to do? i don't even know what i want. this is basically my biggest fear because i know ANYTHING can happen, it's just i don't know what it'll be. i don't know who i'll still talk to, where i'll live, what my job will be, nothing. i hate thinking about this because i get all paranoid but i felt like i had to write it here. i hope everything turns out well. that's all i want.
i'm really glad i have the friends i do. like chris jung said, we're the type of people who will actually listen to what others have to say and try to help. we won't sit there and nod our heads pretendning we're paying attention. we are good people. all of us. and i wouldn't want it any other way. <3

60

hi! it's sunday... the worst day of the week. they make me realize how much i hate being in school. BUT! only 19 days left? thank God. i need summer more than anything. i need a break from all this stress. so, last night. ahahha. very interesting, the usual saturday night. i love my friends, i really do. being surrounded by the funniest people is seriously the greatest. i slept at kiddy's the whole weekend. (: ughhh i have so much work to do, basically in every class. do not want. and i have to make dinner. what else is new. okay i should go start all of this. bye! (:

59

just as everything started to move up, today it decided to slowly start crashing down again. i guess i'm just never suppose to be happy? something always has to be wrong. i really wish you'd see how much i care about you, and us. i told you a million times i am sorry. i really don't know what else i'm suppose to do. i can't change the past, but i sure can avoid doing that in the future. i wish you mentioned this earlier, so it didn't have to get this bad. i'm sorry, i love you.

my God, what a world you love.

58

i thought this should have it's own post.

"and suddenly it seems that my shoulder blades have just shifted. it's like the greatest gift you can get. the weight has been lifted. now it don't feel like the world's on my shoulders." so, that's basically what happened. slowly but sure enough i think everything will start coming back together. all the fights, crying, screaming, etc... is pointless. it doesn't get you anywhere. well, i don't know about you, but it never got me anywhere. it's a waste of my time. i shouldn't be miserable over dumb shit. and i won't. i tried not to but it just got to a point where i snapped. but i did some good things today. i apologized to some people that deserved it. i don't care what was said, why it happened, anything. we can't even remember what happened. shows how important it was right? POINTLESS. i am trying to be a better person. i don't want to hate anyone and i don't want anyone to hate me. just civil. it's going to be a lot of work but so far, it's worth it. i think i might be able to go to sleep with a smile on my face. for the first time in a while i don't feel like shit. thank you to the people who got me through this. <3

everyone else, stay strong. we can get through this.

57

in school again, FUN. i'm tired. can't concentrate and shit like that. i am guilty, or atleast i should be. WHATEVER, I'M JUST NOT GOING TO CARE ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS ANYMORE. bye! (:

56

holy shit. i'm in school right now and ready to rip someones fucking head off. PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN IMMATURE. like seriously? you're how old? and acting like this?..... GOOD JOB. and you, you can't just come out of no where and think you run everything. who are you? you're only wanted by one person and i really want to believe that they don't want you there. so get the fuck out of this.

hi, i'm home now. it's 4:21. i'm so tired. my anger level today was unbelievable. =/ i don't even know what do to. you can't change how someone feels. so there's nothing left to do. goodbye.

except i'm not sorry at all. (:

56

LOL WHAT AN INTERESTING WEEKEND THAT WAS. I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. FRIDAY WAS SPOTLIGHT. SATURDAY I WAS WITH MY BROTHER AND SISTER. LOL AND THEN SATURDAY NIGHT WITH BEST FRIENDS, HAHAHAAAH. I CAN'T. OKAY I NEEDA GET SHIT READY FOR TOMORROW. BYE <3

that's my puppy. mush/kitty. i love him<3

55

BITCH, YOUS A HO.

dead tired. i have this sleeping problem... i can't fall asleep and then when i finally do, i can't wake up. like really? COOL. i'm sick of every one's bitching. do not want. can't you all just chill the fuck out? jeeeez. okay i don't know what i'm suppose to be doing, so i'll go find something to do now. BYE!

54

10:01. dead tired. i'm doing homework atm. school sucked, while i was there. i got back failing grade after failing grade. what's going on? why can't i ever fucking concentrate. what's on my mind? EVERYTHING. i think about everything, all the time, non-stop. ajhfjksljkfhlsjdf. i left school around 11. i felt like my stomach was either ripping apart or bleeding. yeah, that's not good..... i need to go to a doctor. this pain is unfuckingbearable. and won't go away. i've been listening to eminem all day, i used to love him. don't know what happened but i'm kinda liking this. shit man, all the testing is coming up. so fucking scared for that. i hope i do okay =/

53

hihi. nothing really new. i've basically been home all day. now i have to do all of my homework. this should be fun.

i honestly don't want to say this but i miss you. i miss us. you gave me something to look forward to. you were the reason i went to school last year. to see you. we were such good friends. now you're gone. we can't even talk anymore, its gotten to the point that it just doesn't make sense. there are certain things i have the urge to tell you, but i can't. not anymore. seeing you now just makes me weak, hearing your voice makes me want to scream. just the 2 seconds that we pass in the hallway can ruin my day, just like that. it makes me so fucking upset. just your name, something you used to say, anything about you makes me think back to that night. i miss you. i wonder if you ever get like this. well, i hope we start talking again somewhat. ugh i don't even know why i'm wasting my time writing this. it's not like you'll read it.
i hope everything works out for you. i really do. you need this more than anything. seeing you upset day after day just kills me. you asked me to pray for you, trust me, i am. a lot. i just want you to be happy again. i love you no matter what.


awww! this providence! i love them a lot. dblaise, thanks for the call :D kiddy took this just now. ugh i wish i went to bamboozle. :/

52

herro! so thursday was my 3rd time seeing ftsk and it was hands down better than the other ones. the dance pit we all made was so much fun. i think i hyper-extended my elbow. it still hurts a lot =/ then later that night gunz, kiddy and me got tor on ftsk's bus. HAHA WHAT? mad happy for her :D friday was boring until music madness. lmfao this reality shit is freaking me out. i'll just be sitting there and then look around and seriously laugh like crazy. it's so funny because whatever is happening is just so... weird. ya know? oh and i kept reliving this one night....... in november. i hate when i do that. =/ when i got home i stayed up for about an hour then passed out. what a great sleep that was.

when i woke up this morning, my mom asked me if i wanted to get chinese food. as soon as we get into the parking lot i lean back or something and my ear shows. 00 tunnels. she basically died. starting screaming at me and cursing and then cried. i was in shock. i didn't know what to do. she couldn't be near me. she said i lost her trust completely. she took me home and made me fucking take them out. it hurt like a bitch because they were still healing. then she saw the hole and died all over again. she felt bad for freaking out so much so we went back out. while in the car she keeps telling me how much she loves me and how she doesn't want to see me fuck up and a bunch of all this really sad shit and i didn't know what else to do but cry. so we're both crying and it was just a mess. a huge fucking mess. then after we ate we were okay, she took me to a store and bought me a really cute shirt. i wish i had money. i'd buy that whole damn store. then to look for a job. i hope they call me back, i need money. =/ now i'm sitting here bored as fuck.

but holy shit. at around 5:30 kiddy calls me and has andrew leave me a message. CUTEST THING EVER. her and tor are at bamboozle and i know tor is dying. (: yayaya i love you guys. so, that call made my day. :D hope you're having a good day, goodbye.

aw andrew :D thanks for that call. [taken by kiddy]